Thursday, January 14, 2016


Well, I almost don't remember that 'fun' craft fair we attended, it was such a while ago.  Believe it was a success, fewer people than in past years, but those that were there, were there to buy.  Was able to catch up with several regulars, I only see at this fair.  Most important, this year was the fact that it was a huge distraction for me.  For November 5th, 2015 I lost my oldest child.  

This, I found out is much like the loss of a parent, no matter the age, it is devastating to lose a parent.  They are the ones who have been with you thru thick and thin since you were born.  Another reason, I believe, is that it moves you higher in the family order.  I don't know about you, but I don't feel responsible enough to step into the shoes of my parents, move closer to the matriarch of the family.  Wouldn't that mean I would have to grow up and to have the answers to life questions, often asked of the matriarch. 

As difficult as that loss is, the loss of a child, even at age 52, is against nature.  For, naturally, I should die before my children.  Realistically, I know several families who have lost children to disease, war and auto accidents, etc.  But, I stick to my belief, for the pain of the loss of someone you brought into this world is unnatural.

This was such a hurt for not only myself, but for his brother and sisters.  I felt a real need to stay strong in front of the children, for each one was suffering.  #2 because they were close in age and close in all aspects of their lives.  #4 because there was such a difference in ages, she didn't have that closeness, and memories she desired. #3 because #3 is the most responsible of all 4 and wonders if there were something he could have seen or done that would have made a difference.  No matter the basic reason, each was suffering loss and needed someone to tell them, it was normal to feel the way they did.  Though he would never be forgotten and his loss would always be with us, this initial heartbreak would ease over time and we could all help one another replace the shock and pain by remembering the wonderful times.

Why does this seem to happen, in many cases, at the holidays?  Everyone, this year, keep very busy preparing for Thanksgiving and Christmas, probably because keeping very busy helps to keep from overthinking.  Every once in a while a comment or a memory would come flooding in, in the midst of those preparations, and time just must be taken to cry it out, or suffer a personal internal explosion.

It seems cruel that life just goes on, and the things that need doing, still need doing. The world is just as it was before his death, only without him by our side.  He, for most of his life had a great sense of humor and a very 'hard' work ethic.  I was yanked in to get that last set of xrays and they were awful, as all the others had been.  I know he would have had a remedy, being able to fix most anything that was broken, maybe re caulking or he was a great superglue fan, yes he would have had some fix for me. that would have made me laugh a bit.

As it was and as I have stated in previous blogs, I am always surprised when the Doctor lets you know how bad a joint is.  They tried to enter from 4 different angles and couldn't get into the joint from any of the 4, and was told I may have to see an orthopedic surgeon for relief.  Yeah, another doctor!!!!

I have also started physical therapy.  God is keeping me very busy, maybe to help me not dwell on loss, its not working!!!  That means once a week for therapy, once a month for a new shot and who knows what the ortho doc will have for me.  I am thinking of moving to a residence inn type accommodation, next to the hospital and just come home on weekends.  Seems like it would save me a lot of time running back and forth.  I use the word 'running' lightly.

More on physical therapy my next post.  Am doing this to help make sense of life and am not sure it is helping, but will continue, with documentation, for a while yet, till I make up my mind about the benefits of writing feelings.

Hoping this finds all happy and healthy!



Wednesday, November 4, 2015


Need to start by saying I heard from a sweet crafter friend, Auntie Bernie sending lovely well wishes.  If you are so inclined to watch a very talented lady, stop by YouTube and visit Auntie Bernie, it will not be a waste of your time ;)

Now for today's question.  Do you ever just wonder if you are taken seriously when you speak to any doctor?  I am now over 24 hours from my last injection.  A lumbar selective nerve root injection.  With this one, I will have to admit, it didn't hurt as bad as the hip injection 3 weeks ago, but I was still 'white knuckling' that table, just in anticipation.  She went in just above an old fusion I had years ago.

The reason for my question, was a comment she made as she was coming close to her target area.  She said, 'Oh, I see why you have such pain, you have a very bad back and I was really finding it hard to get any space for the injection, with the compression and all the bone spurs'.  She went on to inject and then explain that she was able to let it run down one of the spurs and the medication drained from the spur into the nerve root she was aiming for.  She said we were both lucky it was that easy, you better believe I was a happy camper, but don't know how excited I will be if she feels another will be needed.  What happens if we are not lucky the next time, Oh my!!  I don't want to know.

I almost had to giggle, wondering if all our doctors just take what we say with a grain of salt till they have proof.  That would be x-rays, lab work, or seeing for themselves.  Are there that many patients that present themselves with wild stories of dis-ease, just to get attention, have a place to go for the afternoon?  Surly not for the darling outfits where your fanny hangs out, or for a little rest on the cement x-ray tables (at least they feel like they are cement) or the vampire with the needle waiting to hit some vein or another to 'drain your blood' into the cute little vile.  

Why, oh, why don't they just believe us, or at least not sound surprised when they discover real problems for real pain and dis-ease??  Now, I know she made that statement to let me know there was a real reason for my allowing a needle to be poked into my spine, and that she was a bit surprised it was as difficult as it was to even give the injection.  I did appreciate her statement, as I prayed that it really works, it doesn't always and I will not really know how much relief I will get for another 7 to 10 days, for that is how long it takes for the full effect.

My next adventure is to get an x-ray of my left knee, which is useless right now, I had to ditch the cane and am now on a walker, for the dumb knee is such a pain and also my left shoulder, which seems to come out of place and I have to use my right arm to guide my left arm back into place.  This poor woman is going to be so tired of me before this is over.  And, the best part is that I am well aware that all this is just a cover up and not a fix, so I can look forward to all this fun at least once a year if not all 3 allowed in one year.  One of the few reasons I am happy to be in my 70's, how many years will I have left :)

Am also happy hubby is home from his fishing trip, for this weekend is our biggest craft fair of the year, and I really am not up to doing this one on my own.  Will have fair fun to write about my next post, much to my delight and I am sure if you have been suffering my baby blubbering over 'poor me', you will be too!

Hope this find everyone happy and healthy 

Monday, November 2, 2015


It has been a while and I may be close to being able to explain each area of pain and give it a # for my appointment tomorrow.  Did you see the little shiver that just ran thru me???

I am still not ready for this treatment, just can't get the original injection, years ago, to leave my memory bank. The few zaps I got with the hip injection brought back anything I was able to bury, rats!!!

This really is like an onion, as the pain eases in one area, I notice the nagging pains that the one 'holy cow' pain was covering.  Like, Oh, hi! I remember you from a year or so ago, didn't know you were still there, was so busy with the cover-up.  So, as delighted as I am that the #8/10 is gone, I am dealing with the uncovered #6/7.

To change the subject, I broke even, plus a little, on my first little church craft fair and am praying over this shot tomorrow, for we have a much bigger, 2 day fair this coming weekend.  I had plenty of items in stock, so haven't had to make a thing this year.  I am keeping busy with a new quilt.  The one I showed you the 1st of October, I was silly enough to post on my Facebook page and my sister-in-law wanted to know if I would tackle some counted cross stitch squares she had started when her first child, my beautiful Goddaughter, was a little girl.  Now, mind you she is grown, married and the mother of 2 little ones of her own.  The oldest, being a daughter, just helped my SIL finish the last block, how could I refuse.  

I am going down to continue working on it when I finish here, will get a picture and attach here and will try to remember to take a picture when I am finished.  Am also working on a bakers apron for a lady chocolatier I met at the last fair.  She will be doing a very big wedding show in downtown St Louis, in January and wanted to know if I could make her a white one with her company name embroidered on the front.  Again, how could I say no???

All this and the Christmas cards are only half done and haven't even started on the children's gifts or the grandchildren's ornaments yet.   IT'S NOVEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!  WHAT AM I DOING??????????  I am ending,

Hoping you are enjoying happiness and good health  

Saturday, October 17, 2015


I guess this is just proof that I was almost out of my mind, or not in my right mind.  I just came to talk a bit about the results and my pain diary and guess what?????  I didn't publish the last note.

Oh I wrote it, I just didn't hit publish, was feeling pretty good, pain med hadn't worn off and guess I was a little too happy, just wanted to walk while I could.

Today is not a good day to talk about the 'rest of the story' so will be back!!

Health and happiness

Wednesday, October 14, 2015


Mind you I am not complaining, but I now have a little understanding for those on death row who have been given a stay of execution.  You have worked thru the problem, gotten yourself as ready as you can and bingo! They put it off, so you will have to get ready, all over again.

Am now full of mixed emotions.  After having a, face to face, with my doctor, discussing the x-rays and MRIs and just talking about the 'evil' pain spots, she decided to attack by peeling the onion layers.   BORING WARNING  You can only have 3 shots in your knee a year, 3 shots in your shoulder, 3 shots in each section ie: cervical, lumbar, etc, of your spine.  I didn't ask why, was busy being scared.
With every level of the lumbar spine having 'severe' attached to it, she had me show where the very worst pain started and radiated.

Rather than guessing which level to start the injection, she opted to, first, do my right hip, hoping it gives some pain relief and I am keeping a diary about just where I am feeling some relief.  With that blueprint, she will have a better idea what level of the lumbar to inject for the remaining pain, which means much less chance of injecting the wrong level and wasting one of the magic 3.  I was so impressed that she was taking the time to investigate me, and not just sticking a needle in, where she felt it should be.

It was not a bad thing that I tried to prepare, it was still an injection, by x-ray guide, into the hip joint and at one point she hit something that sent, like an electric zap, down the side of my leg, which prompted a little more numbing agent.  The pressure points while inserting the needle are, for me, a little like what I imagine a cow feels when a cattle prod is used.  Like a little bitty zap that makes you go ouch, but you can't move, you have a needle in your hip.  I just groaned and figured, if a cow can handle it, I can!  Very soon the needle was in place and the cortisone type meds were injected and it was over.

Dear diary, I will share tomorrow, just how I am doing and give you a little bit of my pain diary, no jealously please, the new diary is strictly for the doctor.

Health and happiness

Wednesday, October 7, 2015


As bad as the cervical MRI results were the lumbar MRI results are worse.  I am not doing a happy dance.  It's no wonder I am 2 inches shorter than my first 60 years!!

Years ago I had the worst experience of my life with a pain management doctor and an injection to 'help' with back and leg pain.  Picture taking a bundle of inflamed nerves, sticking a needle into the bundle and continuing, for what seemed like 15 minutes, to inject who knows what.  There was a pain killer given before the procedure, it was done with radiology guidance , it was done by a doctor who had a good reputation.   I prayed to pass out, didn't happen, but I prayed!

Well, yep, that's what is suggested for both the neck and low back.  Now, I know 10 to 15 years in medicine is like cave man to astronaut, but, everything I have read sounds just like what I went thru before and I don't mind saying, I am close to panic.

Now I weighed not being able to walk and constant escalation pain #'s and the chance that things have changed enough that there will not be a repeat of that horror from years past. Everyone I have talked to, is encouraging me to give it a try, so when I got the call this morning, giving me the scathing report and the doctor's suggestion for a chance for some freedom from pain, I put on my 'big girl panties' and said yes.  

The only regret is that I can't have both injections, cervical and lumbar, at the same time.  They will only do one at a time, I can, in 2 days, have the second one done, but not both on the same day.  Which to choose?  The burning in the neck and loss of function and depending how I hold my neck, having one or the other arm start to get pins and needles or walking?  Didn't take me 10 seconds to pick the low back first.

I won't be writing again, dear diary, till after the 13th, when I get the first shot.  I will just be hiding under the covers and wishing for a miraculous healing.  Short of that, I don't want to look back and  relive the mind numbing fear of the next few days.  Yeah for the 'Golden Years'....

Wishing health and happiness

Tuesday, October 6, 2015


Guess it can't be too bad, for today I only have 2 complaints. One is ME, yep, I need to complain about me.  I have found that prolonged time in discomfort makes me a complainer, makes me crabby, grumpy and just plain hard to live with. 

 Where do I go to not have to live with me.  Poor hubby delights in my retreating to the basement craft/sewing room after morning coffee every day.  But, I have to go where ever I am.  I can't seem to get away from crabby me.  I will think I have me, in control, and something will go wrong, the color paper I need is not the right shade, the seam I just sewed was off kilter and needs to be ripped out and restitched.  I will start mumbling mean words to myself, yep, even 'stupid'.  I would never let the children use that word, but here I am being grumpy with myself and I can't send myself to my room, first, I can't walk all those steps and second, if I did go to my room, I would go with me!!

In my natural self, I love to see sunny skies and everything is always half full.  Now after years of escalating pain #'s I go around just like Joe 'Hapless' Btfspik.  Anyone old enough to remember Li'l Abner comic strip and the fellow with the dark cloud hanging over his head? that's me, Joe.  Must put, working on this, on my to do list.

The second complaint is that silly online posting of your tests and x-rays.  As I stated earlier, I am torn, as to whether this is a good thing or a bad thing.  We know the x-rays and the cervical MRI, are posted, correct?  Well the cervical and lumbar MRI were done at the same time, the results of the cervical MRI was posted before the weekend and the call from the doctor's office was already recieved. I even got the mailed information sheet on Cervical Epidural Steroid Injections, promised by the nurse.  What is missing???  

If both MRI's were done at the same time, why do I have one on Thursday and as I checked, thru Monday, I have nothing on the other.  Did one get lost, is one so bad that they are trying to figure how to tell me, did my doctor go on vacation??  Where is it? why isn't it on line? Don't they know this is a worry, a stress?? complain, complain, crabby, crabby!!!!

Wasted, worry, wasted stress, wasted crabbiness, yesterday evening (Monday) the test was posted.  Tomorrow, dear diary, we will note the words I had to look up and maybe even the reason for my turning into Joe 'Hapless' Btfspik.

Wishing good health and happiness....