Thursday, January 14, 2016


Well, I almost don't remember that 'fun' craft fair we attended, it was such a while ago.  Believe it was a success, fewer people than in past years, but those that were there, were there to buy.  Was able to catch up with several regulars, I only see at this fair.  Most important, this year was the fact that it was a huge distraction for me.  For November 5th, 2015 I lost my oldest child.  

This, I found out is much like the loss of a parent, no matter the age, it is devastating to lose a parent.  They are the ones who have been with you thru thick and thin since you were born.  Another reason, I believe, is that it moves you higher in the family order.  I don't know about you, but I don't feel responsible enough to step into the shoes of my parents, move closer to the matriarch of the family.  Wouldn't that mean I would have to grow up and to have the answers to life questions, often asked of the matriarch. 

As difficult as that loss is, the loss of a child, even at age 52, is against nature.  For, naturally, I should die before my children.  Realistically, I know several families who have lost children to disease, war and auto accidents, etc.  But, I stick to my belief, for the pain of the loss of someone you brought into this world is unnatural.

This was such a hurt for not only myself, but for his brother and sisters.  I felt a real need to stay strong in front of the children, for each one was suffering.  #2 because they were close in age and close in all aspects of their lives.  #4 because there was such a difference in ages, she didn't have that closeness, and memories she desired. #3 because #3 is the most responsible of all 4 and wonders if there were something he could have seen or done that would have made a difference.  No matter the basic reason, each was suffering loss and needed someone to tell them, it was normal to feel the way they did.  Though he would never be forgotten and his loss would always be with us, this initial heartbreak would ease over time and we could all help one another replace the shock and pain by remembering the wonderful times.

Why does this seem to happen, in many cases, at the holidays?  Everyone, this year, keep very busy preparing for Thanksgiving and Christmas, probably because keeping very busy helps to keep from overthinking.  Every once in a while a comment or a memory would come flooding in, in the midst of those preparations, and time just must be taken to cry it out, or suffer a personal internal explosion.

It seems cruel that life just goes on, and the things that need doing, still need doing. The world is just as it was before his death, only without him by our side.  He, for most of his life had a great sense of humor and a very 'hard' work ethic.  I was yanked in to get that last set of xrays and they were awful, as all the others had been.  I know he would have had a remedy, being able to fix most anything that was broken, maybe re caulking or he was a great superglue fan, yes he would have had some fix for me. that would have made me laugh a bit.

As it was and as I have stated in previous blogs, I am always surprised when the Doctor lets you know how bad a joint is.  They tried to enter from 4 different angles and couldn't get into the joint from any of the 4, and was told I may have to see an orthopedic surgeon for relief.  Yeah, another doctor!!!!

I have also started physical therapy.  God is keeping me very busy, maybe to help me not dwell on loss, its not working!!!  That means once a week for therapy, once a month for a new shot and who knows what the ortho doc will have for me.  I am thinking of moving to a residence inn type accommodation, next to the hospital and just come home on weekends.  Seems like it would save me a lot of time running back and forth.  I use the word 'running' lightly.

More on physical therapy my next post.  Am doing this to help make sense of life and am not sure it is helping, but will continue, with documentation, for a while yet, till I make up my mind about the benefits of writing feelings.

Hoping this finds all happy and healthy!



1 comment:

  1. My prayers and heart are with you and your kids, Barb. There are no words that I could say to help. But just a little distraction for you, Friday afternoon me and most of my family are going to celebrate my Mom's Mom's 100th birthday. She is fairly good given her age, yet my Mom passed at 68 years old, being the oldest of 8 kids. that was 15 years ago, then the next eldest died 14 years ago. They were very hard trials for Nanny, and when we'd talk about Mom and I'd get teary eyed, she'd say she didn't mean to make me cry. Even tho both of us were missing her so much. You are always in my prayers. Prayerful hugs sent daily. Germaine